In my last post I rambled about a scale, of sorts, without judgement for position on the scale, and things that move me around on that scale that determines, pretty much from minute to minute, whether my gender presents as male or female.
That can be quite interesting to live, and I’ll try to talk more about that later, but what makes it actually happen? The honest truth is, to I think a large extent, I don’t know. But some things I do know.
For example, I watch The Magicians and Wynonna Earp. They both push hard towards female. Is it a coincidence that they are replete with strong female characters, in the case of Wynonna, basically all strong female characters? Probably not. I also enjoy watching rugby, and although I comment about it in a female persona, it pushes me in a male direction. Again, probably not a coincidence.
But then I have some that seem less intuitive. For various reasons I have quite a bit of reflective practice in my history. A lot of this is quite analytical: how did it go, what lessons can you learn to do it better next time? You might expect that to be a male-pushing thing, but for me it’s quite a female pushing thing, despite the fact the feedback on my reflective practise always criticises me for lacking emotional depth, something you might, stereotypically, expect to be stronger if it’s done from a female perspective.
I also do support work. How those affect me are really hard to predict. Some people I become blokey mates with, some I become more BFFs with. Some I retreat into analytical maleness with, others I become emotional support and sounding boards for. For many that shifts and changes throughout a session. Some of that change is normal and inevitable for a lot of 1:1 learning support but, for me, it’s accompanied by underlying shifts, not necessarily completely but certainly along the scale in my gender identity. I can’t be a blokey mate and be in a female identity, it’s hard (it might be impossible) for me to be a BFF and in a male identity. I don’t quite know why ultra-analytical goes with male, but for me it does. I certainly know highly analytical women, and I’m no doubt about their female gender identity either in most cases, so I’m really not saying anything beyond my personal experience here but, for me, when I retreat into my most analytical, I have so many male-nudges I also, always, move into a male gender identity.
Most of these nudges are bigger, slower, than the shifts that I experience. That’s why I’m sure I don’t know what most of the triggers are. It’s hard to be clear on what they are when it’s possible they don’t clearly register. I don’t think, for example, that lighting has an influence of my gender identity. I could be wrong. But lets say that seeing a particular shade of natural lighting moves me female by a step. As I’m looking out of the window at the moment it’s around noon and we’re building up to a rain storm, so there’s that odd pre-rain hue to the light as the sun is being occluded by the clouds. The tone of light is ever changing and if a certain hue and intensity has to be hit for a nudge, then it won’t happen every time it rains - if the rain sets in too early or too late then the sun won’t be in the right place and we won’t get the right light, if the season is wrong, the sun will be too bright or too dim and so on... So maybe one rain storm in 50 triggers a nudge and how do I pick that out?
I said in the previous post, I’d talk about this too, so I will. because my pronouns can change incredibly fast it is basically impossible for me to keep up. I don’t expect anyone else to. So, I pick a gendered pronoun that’s right for the place and stick to it. For example, I’m active on a Wynonna Earp fan chat. While they know I’m gender fluid, I use the she/her pronouns because it moves me that way and it seems the most appropriate. I have an RPG I play where they know me as male and I use he/him pronouns with them.
I know there are options like Xe and Hir. Perhaps it’s a function of my age - and I’d happily use those pronouns for other people, but those don’t sound right for me. I’m happy for people to use either She/Her or He/Him for me and be wrong sometimes. If I was less fluid, if I shifted slowly and dressed to express, I would hope people got it right in general. Most people, who know me well and have to address me, get around it by using me name. Instead of “She’s being a complete bitch!” “El’s being a complete bitch!” avoids the gender pronoun problem nicely.
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